Blind Prophecy

So I decided to blow off work today. Joanna and Brandon took everyone else (except me, Mom and Dad) to the zoo today, so I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to have the house to myself for an afternoon. All the TVs are off, all the radios are off, my house only ever gets this quiet after 2am.

My mom filled me in on everything Jordan’s doctor told her at his last appointment. Apparently, as he gets older, the seizures seem to be getting dramatically worse. To be perfectly clear, he’s at the point where the biggest seizure he’s capable of having might kill him instantly. I’m trying to be philosophical about this – you know, “any of could be hit by a bus tomorrow” kind of thinking – but it’s not the same as having a doctor say “your brother’s brain might just accidentally kill itself any time now.”

She also told my mom that the experiments with his meds this summer have only proven one thing – that Jordan will never be capable of living on his own. In fact, she’s not sure that he’ll be capable of living with the family for much longer. She’s advised us to consider a very structured home that gives 24/7 supervision to people with mental disorders. Those are the new words for “nuthouse” or “funny farm” I think. My mom told me that we couldn’t afford it right now, but his 18th birthday is less than 2 years from now and then he’ll qualify for medicaid/medicare (unless Dubya has successfully destroyed the program).

I think the news of this hit my Dad really hard. He had a very bad case of heartburn last night (my mom was almost convinced it was a heart attack). For me, I just stared at the ceiling of my bedroom until 4am, letting the many thoughts chase one another around my brain. It’s wasn’t quite at the level of an anxiety attack, but I was really keyed up all night.

I don’t think the youngest of my siblings will ever truly understand how many burdens we older kids have taken on through our lives. Jared (the baby) has this attitude that if he asks enough, he’ll be given whatever he wants. I was mowing lawns 6 days a week all summer long when I was his age to earn money for things I didn’t really want (like new school clothes). But it’s not just stuff like that. Even my sisters who are closest to me in age never got to hear half the shit I did as the only child. For a lot of years, I think I was Mom’s “best friend” in a way. I got to hear about how my father was neglecting his health, what the doctors actually said about Jordan’s conditions (as opposed to what the rest of the family had been told), etc. She shares those sorts of things with more of us now, but in the beginning, it was just me for several years.

People often ask me what it’s like growing up in a large family. I don’t know what to tell them. I’ve never known what it’s like to grow up in a small family. But I guess you can start to see some of the unusual dynamics of a family as large as mine from posts like this.

Anyway, I guess I’m really taking today off as a mental health day. Later tonight, I think I’ll go check out the Utah Arts Festival for a few hours, then head on over to Witches Brew. It’s the first alternating Friday I’ve been free and in town since my first trip, which was a lot of fun.

Filed under: livejournal by Jere Keys