Blind Prophecy

QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com.

This is agony. Watching the clock tick by at work, I really, really want to go buy a pack of cigarettes. I’m saying things to myself like “just one to take the edge off” and “what if I only smoke while I’m at work.” I know I’m lying to myself. I’ll keep smoking as much as ever.

I’ve been chewing licorice all morning. Helps with the oral fixation. Not much, but a little. I actually feel my chest constricting like it needs a single cigarette to loosen back up again.

On the bus to work, the urge to hit something came over me. I’ve wanted to hit things before, but never so intensely without provocation. My arm muscles twitched and I thought about pounding the seat in front of me. If I wasn’t sure I’d have been kicked off the bus, I probably would have.

I guess I should be noticing how much of a slave I’ve become to cigarettes that this is the kind of reaction I’m having. I don’t really care right now. Maybe in a year I can look back and say “what was I thinking?” but right now the point is entirely lost on me.

Filed under: livejournal by Jere Keys