Blind Prophecy

If you’re tired of hearing about my social life woes, skip today.

I feel like I’m going to break.

It started on Friday night when L called me. He was getting drunk to avoid doing something stupid like driving down to St. George to see J. The drunken conversation touched on areas I thought we’d agreed to avoid.

On Saturday, we made plans to go see a movie, but he had a bad hangover all day, so we postponed it to Sunday. I did go to the gym and hurt myself on the treadmill. Not literally, it’s just been so long since I actually did an extended run on the treadmill that I exhausted myself on the cardio before I even got to the weight-lifting portion of my workout. By the end, I was so weak that I couldn’t do my usual number of reps with half my usual weight.

So, Sunday, we go to see Narnia. I still hadn’t seen it and he convincd me that I “had” to see it on the big screen. I liked it, though I’m not the fan of the Narnia books that other people are. Anyway, afterward, we went out for drinks.

He’d been fighting with J, of course, all weekend by phone. As our discussion got more intimate, all previous bets seemed off, so we ventured into that scary territory. I admitted to him how i really feel (well, kinda, I said that I loved him, but I wasn’t necessarily “in love” with him – which is kind of true but also kind of stretches the truth a bit). He sorta said that if he weren’t so fucked up over this relationship coming to an end… I said, you wouldn’t respect or want the kind of person who’d make a move on you before you’re over him… he said something about shitty timing…

Anyway, yesterday evening he called me to tell me that J was home from his vacation. He knew it was over, all they had to do was have the final conversation. L’s plan was to have sex with J that night (because he “needed” to), then break up with him in the most hurtful and vindictive way he could think of… Or, he was going to go through the motions for a few more days, then leave town for good next weekend without anything more than a letter or a phone call from the road. I begged him not to do it like that. I told him that he awas a better person than that and he’s ultimately regret being vindictive and hurtful to end the relationship.

As the appointed hour when J got off work drew closer, he kept calling me (we’re talking close to midnight) and asking if I’d still be up later if he needed me. Of course, I admitted. He kept asking if I was okay. I kept lying and saying I was fine, I was just worried about him.

This morning, about an hour before work, he called me to tell me that he hadn’t slept all night – that they’d broken up late into the night. Everything L had wanted to hear from him had been said, giving L all the proof that their relationship was over that he needed to make the break. He also told me that he was moving to the Bay Area to live with his cousins next Saturday, the day after our jobs at Bob’s Event came to a close.

I’m leaving out a helluva lot that’s just too painful to give details on, like the “I don’t feel like I’m done with you in my life” conversation, not to mention the stuff that it’s really, really none of my business to be writing about on the internet.

He’s leaving on Saturday. In my life I’ve never met anyone who was closer to the ideal best friend and companion I’ve always imagined in my head. I know that he’s got to work out his own life for a while and figure out what he really wants. I know that feeling abandoned is stupid of me, since I’m the one who decided to leave SLC first. I know that if anything is truly meant to be, it will happen in its own time someday. I know that we could never be more than friends until I feel better and more confident about myself (one of the biggest reasons I started going to the gym). I know that if our friendship really is as deep as I feel it is, we’ll still be friends in different states, and staying close really just requires a bit of effort. I know all that. But it hurts.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

And the only coherent thoughts I’ve been able to hang on to today are, “So, how do I find a great job in San Francisco and how soon do I move there?” Which is, inevitably, followed by that fucking voice of reason which points out, “don’t move there for him, move there because you’ve always wanted to and because it’s the right time.” “But, what if I wait too long and he finds someone else?” “Well, if you’re really his friend, then you’ll be happy for him.” And, of course, I know I’ve already committed to a course of action that will take me back to Vegas in April and it will probably be a few months before I can seriously consider another big life change like that.

I’ll tell you, it’s been a while since a situation has literally dropped me to my knees, but the better part of last night was spent beggin the Goddess to give me some sign, some comfort, some kind of clue about what the hell I’m supposed to do. I feel like there’s something larger than myself at work here, but I can’t figure out what it is. What’s the lesson? What am I supposed to be learning, or healing, or doing?

There was a moment last night when I wondered if what he wanted was for me to come over and have sex, but I’m not going to play that game. If anything is ever going to happen between us, it’s not going to be because he’s rebounding, or trying to hurt someone else, or trying to escape the pain of a bad relationship. I’ve done that before with the first love of my life, and I’m not interested in going down that road again. In fact, there’s a lot about this situation that reminds me of the early time with Lawrence (beyond first initials) and maybe that’s some of the “lesson” involved. But…

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

Filed under: livejournal by Jere Keys