An Emotional Evening
Saturday, February 25th, 2006Me: So my parents think I’m only looking at jobs in San Francisco to chase after you. I tried to explain that it’s more like I’m jealous that you’re doing something I’ve been talking about for years, but I don’t think they’re convinced.
L: (also, apparently not convinced) Well, I hope you do come to the city, but don’t do it to chase after me.
Me: I’m not that stupid.
L: I mean, you’ve been so good to me, and I’m really flattered, but it’s going to be a while before I’m ready…
Me: I know, you don’t have to say it.
L: If things were different…
Me: [L], if there’s a chance that anything ever will happen between us, you’re going to be the one chasing after me. If someone asked me to describe my ideal man, it would sound a lot like you, except for one important thing, you’re not trying to win me over. I know now, when I remind myself, that I deserve someone who wants me every bit as much as I want them. You’re not there.
L: Yes you do. And it’s not that…
Me: No. Don’t say it.
L: What?
Me: Whatever you were about to say. Not now. Let’s change the subject.
L’s Aunt (and surrogate mother): He talks about you all the time. About how important your friendship and support has been.
Me: He’s been a good friend to me, too. When my father was sick in the hospital, I don’t know if I could have held it together without [L]‘s support and advice. He would tell me what he went through when his mother [her sister] died, and it helped a lot.
Aunt: I wish you could have known him before [J]. He used to be even more like his mother, more compassionate but confident. That little shit really did a number on his self-confidence.
Me: I don’t know, I really like the [L] I’ve know over the last six months. I wish he saw in himself what we see in him.
Aunt: It’s too bad you guys didn’t meet under different circumstances. The way he… (pause, reconsidering her words, I think) Well, I think he’d be really happy with a guy like you in his life.
While I’ve met most of the rest of his family, last night was the first time I met his father.
L’s Father: Hey, I wanted to thank you.
Me: For what?
L’s Father: He wasn’t listening to me, but you were able to get through to him. I don’t think he ever would have left [J] without you.
Me: When you put it like that, I feel like I broke them up.
L’s Father: No, [J] is responsible for that. But I think you got him thinking with his head.
Me: Well, you’re the one who convinced him to move away and give himself time and space to heal.
L’s Father: We make a good team.
(weird pause, I don’t know how to respond)
L’s Father: I guess it’s easy when we both care about him so much.
Yeah, that’s about how the night went. I think I needed some of that as much as L needed the farewell party. All the things his family was saying to me, complete with what was left unspoken, let me know exactly how important I have been in his life. I don’t get to spend today (he hit the road about two hours ago) thinking that he left because I wasn’t important enough – and yes, I know that would have been a damn stupid thing to be thinking anyway, but it would have been there, and now it isn’t.
I told him to call me from the road, but I haven’t heard from him yet. Well, it’s a full day drive, so there’s plenty of time left in the day. I just wish I’d gone over to his place this morning when I was up at 6 a.m. to see him off again, but there wasn’t anything more to be said that wasn’t said last night.
The last exchange…
L: Are you going to be all right?
Me: You’re asking me?
(laugh, hug)
L: Are you going to move [to S.F.]?
Me: Probably. Depends on a job. I can’t do what you’re doing.
L: Good.
Me: Well, I guess…
(hug)
L: Thank you.
Me: I love you.
L: I love you, too.
Me: Drive safely.
L: I will. I’ll call.
Me: You’d better.
L: Bye.
Me: (pulling back from the hug) No. No goodbye. See you later.
L: (smiling) Yeah, see you later.
(last little hug, he heads back to the house and I head to the car)
L: (from the house) See you soon!
