Blind Prophecy

Lance is driving me crazy with mixed signals. On the one hand, we’ve had a very adult conversation about the fact that both of us want different things in life right now and our friendship is too important to scew that up. I’ve made it clear that although my feelings for him have faded and changed a bit in the last four months, it would be a lie to deny that they are still there. He’s said that although he wouldn’t say “never,” he’s still rebounding from the ex and isn’t anywhere near a place where he wants to settle into a relationship right now (his one attempt at it shortly after moving here turned out horribly).

So I think we’ve got an understanding, right?

Now, though, he seems to be apologizing for hooking up with guys, seeking my approval, sharing painful truths (like the fact that he regrets each hook-up the following morning) and then hiding from me. Of course, the hiding from me is due in part to an exceptionally big project coming to its close at his work, but how hard is it to return a text message while on a smoke break?

He also seems to be jealous when I show an interest in anyone else. At least three times over Pride weekend he interrupted me from talking to other guys in ways that essentially ended those conversations. Maybe I’m reading more into that than I should–he could be more oblivious or innocent or drunk than the motives I’m assigning–but it’s hard to tell. There’s the part of me that observes that when he’s drunk he’s probably acting with less guile than he normally could, and the long interruptions could be somewhat intentional (if not consciously mean-spirited).

Honestly, with so few close friends in my life to begin with, much less in San Francisco, I really would prefer not screwing things up right now, but the heart and mind don’t always agree. aislingthebard told me a few months ago (and I’m paraphrasing/interpreting) that I needed to realize that Lance hasn’t been emotionally “there” for me, and that he’s been using me for emotional support. I suppose she’s right, in a way, but since he left in February, I’ve gained a lot of perspective on things and I’m pretty sure that I’ve been using him, too. As someone to fixate on, despite knowing nothing is likely to come of it, or maybe because of that. It’s an old pattern with me–falling for the guy where things won’t work out. Jaimi, Josh, Lawrence, Tony, Rod, Lance… I knew from the beginning that all those friendships/relationships were doomed to failure. But “falling” for these guys has allowed me to avoid making connections with other men and given me excuses to turn away from the guys who genuinely were interested in me and could have worked out (Craig, Chas, Michael the cowboy). I don’t know why I do this, but it’s something I’m trying really hard to get over.

Jessica threatened me with a blind date last week, and I reacted as I usually do (abject fear). Now I’m wondering if I should have been more open to it. A guy who works with Lance made a pretty obvious pass at me during the house party on Saturday (and he was cute, too) but I panicked and blushed and acted like a geek. Despite how proud I am of the progress I’ve made on getting in shape, I still feel like someone is just “being nice” when they compliment me. Yeah, need to work on those self-esteem issues. Maybe I need an extreme make-over.

Ultimately, I need to be a lot less dependent on Lance for my social life, but it’s hard to know where to begin in a new city. I’ve never been comfortable with approaching strangers, but I don’t know how else to start making friends. Actually, I suspect that will become a lot easier once I start working.

Anyway, I’m not sure I need advice right now, I just needed to get some of these thoughts that have been bubbling around my brain down somewhere. The act of writing as therapy.

Filed under: livejournal by Jere Keys