Blind Prophecy

Oh the pain! I just came from my first night with the amateur hockey team I want to join. An hour and a half of ice skating does not feel good on these muscles that haven’t performed those exact motions in 12 years. Still, I know that 6 months ago, I couldn’t have done it. I would have been winded and out of energy. Not tonight. It’s funny the little things you become so amazingly proud of when trying something new… like the fact that I only fell down twice, that I knew the proper motion of skating rather than trying to “walk” on the ice, I even started to learn the trick of stopping (thanks to my cute new coach in such matters) without running into a wall or someone else. Yeah, I think hockey is going to be good for me, although most of the team is, like me, pretty new to the sport and everyone is pretty much about learning how to skate like a hockey player right now, and not actually learning about things like shooting and scoring. I had a good time, though, and enjoyed the company of these guys. I would have gone out to dinner with them afterwards, but I’d already made plans…

I met up with Jessica and her friends at Eagle’s Tavern on the way home (I think I’m becoming a regular) and that’s when the pain started to hit me. More than anything else, my lower back is protesting at all the work it had to do in keeping me balanced. I can tell that I need to make some changes to my gym routine based on which muscles hurt the most.

I noticed tonight that a common theme with Jessica’s advice to me is that I need to start worrying more about myself. Whether it’s my job or my friends or my family, any time something is upsetting me, I tend to focus on how I wish I could help or how I empathize with them. I finally asked her, “you think I don’t worry about myself?” She paused for a moment and said, “no, it’s not that. I just want to keep reminding you that you are a person who deserves to have other people worry about him once in a while. I think you should focus on making sure that you’re okay before always trying to save the world.”

I think there’s a part of me that’s been on autopilot for a while, the part that monitors my self-esteem levels and takes care of my needs. The move to SF shocked that system out of whack and like my poor lower back muscles, it’s a part of me that needs to be coaxed back into shape. Sorry to get all metaphory there, I’m just not sure there’s an easy way to describe the feelings coming through right now.

It looks like gay Utah found a new whipping boy in my absence. Well, technically, whipping girl. My friend Missy has earned a whole heap of scorn and angry detractors for making the mistake of speaking out without bowing down to the complacent party line. I have nothing but admiration for Missy and I wonder how long it’ll be before they move on to the 2 or 3 other radical misfits who aren’t part of the middle-age, white, male, priviliged few who think they run gay Utah.

I think that’s all she wrote, I took some Tylenol PM and I’m about to fall asleep with this thing unfinished if I don’t wrap it up. Night.

Filed under: livejournal by Jere Keys