Blind Prophecy

Once again, we begin a new month by looking back at the search phrases that brought you, dear reader, to Blind Prophecy. As always, the list includes a number of questions people have that need answering. Typically, I have no idea, but I’ll do my best to answer those questions anyway.

how do I make strawberry art like on across the universe?
You need long straight T pins, a large blank canvas, and juicy ripe strawberries. Place the strawberries on pins in evenly spaced rows and columns on the canvas. Realize that strawberry juice doesn’t look like red paint that bleeds out of the strawberry. Add red paint and/or blood. Sing a Beetles song. Throw things.

how do i identify my asshole?
Method one: you need a hand mirror and a minimum amount of flexibility. Take off your pants and underwear. Holding the hand mirror in one hand, use your other hand to pull your ass cheeks apart. Angle the mirror in such a way as to see your asshole. Study it for identifying marks, blemishes, hair pattern and color. Make note of any identifying characteristics. If, in the future, you find that someone else is walking around with your asshole, you will have record of these identifying characteristics and may file suit for return of your asshole.

Method two: you will need a digital camera with a timer function. Set up your camera on a flat surface (or, use a tripod for added stability). Take off all your clothes. Turn camera on and set self-timer for 10 or 30 seconds. Pose like this (NSFW). Save the photo for future reference, or Craigslist ads. It is recommended that you include your face in at least one photo so that when you run across you asshole in someone else’s Craigslist ad, you have proper evidence to prove that the asshole in question is, in fact, your own property.

Variants: for fun or profit, enlist the aid of a friend in method 2. Placing an ad on Craigslist may help solicit volunteers.

what are truth or dare questions for getting laid?
Dare: I dare you to fuck me.
Truth: Tell the truth, what would I have to do to convince you to fuck me?

which is gayer new york or san francisco?
Tacoma.

if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you?
My friends are smart, opinionated, reasonable and practical people. I believe that if all my friends determined that it was in their best interests to jump off a cliff, I ought to give it serious consideration.

what is channing tatum’s relationship orientation?
He is oriented toward relationships of the one-night-stand and/or booty-call variety. Good for him. I’m totally opposed to discrimination based on relationship orientation.

how to stop vents from rattling subwoofer?
What?

is steven sandvoss dating anymore?
Well, he’s not dating me (dammit), so I don’t know.

is mario lopez circumcised?
Does it make a difference? Have you seen him? He could have one testicle and a Prince Albert and I still wouldn’t compain.

is keanu reeves a fudge packer?
Please, girl, everyone north of West Hollywood knows he’s a fudge packee , if you know what I mean.

what is a hofnar?
It’s “Hard-On For No Apparent Reason.” As in, “Dude, I was watching Ann Coulter and totally started sporting hofnar!”

And some other random phrases that inexplicably pointed to my blog:

chapter 20 in mrs. frisby and the rats of nimh by robert c. o brien
What?

straight but play gay sexual truth or dare
OK, call me.

my aunt made me wear a jockstrap when i was little boy
Fascinating. Tell me more.

like a penis only bigger
I love that this points people to my blog.

ugly guy fucks
I hate that this points people to my blog.

gay teenage mormon boys tied bdsm pics
You, sir, have a very specific and disturbing fetish.

im an outdoor person and you can suck it jay brannan
Yeah, suck it Jay Brannan! (p.s. I love you)

Tune in next month for more fun with search phrases.

Filed under: blogging meta by Jere Keys