Blind Prophecy

On New Year’s Eve, many worship at the altar of TORAK. TORAK, the porcelain god, revealed his ways to High Prophet Mike K. and Vice-High Prophet Jere K. in the hamlet of Reno, Nevada during the time of the great undergraduate education.

The central tenet of TORAK worship states that mankind and womankind may only gain purity by first taking unto themselves the great evils of the world. Traditionally, these evils are imbibed in the form of tasty mixed beverages (or, if tasty mixed beverages are unavailable, beer might be acceptable). Once you have gathered many evil forces unto your body, it is time to partake in the sacrament by delivering these evils unto TORAK. It is a proven fact that after worshiping the porcelain god, you will feel better.

Many lesser known sacraments of TORAK involve other methods of collecting and then purging the evils of the world, particularly those evils that may be facilitated by but not accomplished through the imbibing of spirits. For example, the Holy Offering of the Used Rubber or the Feast of Party Nachos from the Other End.

Now, as the tribe of TORAK (also known as the “Reppies”) has begun to gather unto the virtual temple of Facebook, and has recently been rejoined by High Prophet Mike, let this new revelation go forth:

Tonight, just before the new year dawns, TORAK has decreed that there will be one additional second of 2008! 3 out of 4 years contain 31,536,000 seconds. This year, being a “leap year” should have contained 31,622,400, but by the grace of TORAK, 2008 will have 31,622,401.

Let it be known through his wisdom and mercy, TORAK will use that second to grant his faithful and devoted followers renewed spiritual virginity. Yes, Jaythebiglug, there will be a metaphysical hymen. You can once again be pure, chaste, untouched by evil, cleansed.

Of course, a true follower of TORAK will promptly use that secondary virginity to once again combat the evil forces of the world through the great sacramental worship of the porcelain god and other major sacraments. Tonight, as spiritual virgins, we beg you to sacrifice the alcohol, fatty foods, and used condoms from your high holy day revelry to TORAK!

Note: offer of spiritual virginity may not work with users of Microsoft products and services.

Enjoy your New Year’s Eve parties and remember that TORAK smiles on those who engage in drunken antics, recreational sexcapades, and other great acts of worship, but TORAK never again gives comfort to those who place others in harm’s way. Don’t drink and drive. Fuck safely and only with consent. If you or your friends suspect overdose or alcohol poisoning, call 911.

Filed under: Funny, miscellaneous by Jere Keys