Blind Prophecy

If you haven’t seen the finale to Battlestar Galactica yet (what’s wrong with you? Priorities, people!), prepare to be spoiled.

So, the big question that’s been on my mind since watching the final episode of BSG isn’t “who or what is this thing that doesn’t like being called God?” Nor is it “Does that mean all of us are part Cylon?” Nor is it even “Where can I find the fossilized Raptor that Bill Adama flew off with?”

I want to know what happened to the Basestar full of Cylon Centurions with free will that took off to parts unknown 150,000 years ago. It’s even infected my dreams. Here are six theories:

They came back to Earth some time ago and found humanity on the verge of reaching the technological singularity again. Determined to stop the cycle of violence from happening, they launched a preemptive war before humans had the means to properly defend themselves. For the last 400 years (real time) we’ve all been reliving a period of time shortly before the singularity thanks to advancements in Cylon projection technology, but we are kept alive as batteries. Only a plank of wood Keanu Reeves can save us.

Let’s face it, the Centurions aren’t that bright. Like teenagers on their first joyride without mom and dad, they got excited and crashed the Basestar into Jupiter.

The Centurions travel back to Old Earth, where they find D’anna (Number 3) dying of radiation exposure. They place her in a hybrid tub to help her recover, but only her spine and upper torso survive. When she finally comes around after 150,300 years, the Centurions have traveled to the remotest parts of the galaxy. Number 3, still bitter from all the conflict that led to her suffering, launches a new plan: everyone will become part of her will. She redesigns the Basestar and institutes the hive mind project with the scattered remnants of humanoid life the Cyclons have encountered in their eons of travel.

The Centurions do eventually evolve. They have been monitoring Earth for some time and, in an effort to stop the cycle from repeating, send the newest skin job to Earth, where he poses as a sci-fi television writer named Ronald D. Moore. His plan, to warn the human population of the danger of their path.

The Centurions, with 150,000 years of peaceful exploration, have lost the battle armor and weaponry of their original purpose and have evolved into gentle, science-minded gray forms. However, the ages of isolation have made them a bit deranged, and when they recently returned to Earth (circa New Mexico, 1950s), they became convinced that cows were actually the greatest threat to the peace they have known.

Hey, a Centurion has needs, too. Soon, the Basestar becomes a hotbed of illicit and forbidden sexual acts that are offensive to the thing that doesn’t like to be called “God.” He smites them all with Robot AIDS.

What are your theories?

Filed under: television by Jere Keys