May you all have a less molesty holiday than this video.

Some pics from last night’s traditional opening of ugly pajamas on Xmas Eve.

Using my fancy law student (free) access to various legal databases, I’ve searched and found that if there were any court records from 1990 that proved Glenn Beck did or did not commit murder, manslaughter, or homicide in relation to a sexual assault involving a minor, they were likely sealed or possibly listed under an unknown legal alias. I’m sure that Beck’s legal team could clear up this whole nasty rumor by identifying and spreading the court documents (redacted to protect the identity of the dead underage rape victim, of course) which prove that Glenn Beck has never been convicted of this crime and any evidence suggesting that he is guilty does not rise to the requisite standard of proof beyond a reasonable doubt.

Nevertheless, I find it confounding that despite any clear and compelling proof that Glenn Beck had anything to do with raping and murdering a young girl in 1990 so many people are engaging in such wild conspiracy theory speculation. Just because you got an email suggesting that Fox News Host Glenn Beck raped and killed someone in 1990, or saw it referenced on a town hall poster, or some left-wing liberal media nutcase wants you to think Glenn Beck is responsible for the death and perverted violation of high school cheerleader to the tune of M.C. Hammer’s chart-topping “U Can’t Touch This”, that doesn’t mean you should believe it without solid and independently verified evidence. Perhaps factcheck.org could put out an alert letting people know there is no reason to believe that Glenn Beck raped and murdered anyone in 1990.

* On the off chance you didn’t get it, this is, of course, a parody of the sort of disinformation/innuendo/fear mongering that Beck uses to whip his base into a frenzy. I recognize that neither rape nor murder are joking matters (even if Beck disagrees), so I apologize if I have offended.

• The Awl’s White House Flickr Feed commentary by Ana Marie Cox and Jason Linkin. Go back and look at the previous ones, too. Seriously funny shit.
• Texts from last night. I know everyone has been plugging this site lately, with good reason. Anyway, here’s one from the Nati… (503): the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
• You Suck at Craigslist. This one is probably funnier if you get giggle fits from atrociously bad spelling and grammar. Like I do. The post on foos ball tables had me hyperventilating.
• This artist’s rendering of Paris Hilton in court.
• This story (which I would normally find incredibly upsetting and rant-worthy, but this week it just makes me laugh because Anderson County Attorney Frederick Campbell is such an embarrassment to Kansas… and that’s saying something).

This award is apparently the Australian Dancing with the Stars winner’s trophy. Seen here being accepted by soap star Luke Jacobz.

Now, I know they do things a little differently down under, but am I crazy to think a trophy this fabulous really ought to be awarded to gayest twink* in queerville? Seriously, Mr. T would look like a nelly* bottom* holding this thing. I would expect Adam Baldwin to flame on* and let his inner queen* out with this in his hands.

* And, seriously, you know I love the nelly, queeny, flamey, bottomy, twinks in queerville. In no way should my comments be construed as a put down on non “str8-acting” guys.

You know, I actually find the outdated stereotypes about Mormon polygamy so distracting, I can’t really enjoy the video. Polygamy simply isn’t a part of most Mormons’ lives, and hasn’t been for a century. If the point of this video it to expose hypocrisy, it’s a bad argument (unlike the porn angle on hypocrisy). Which is too bad, because I really think someone needs to start marketing pig-bottom piggers in time for Cincinnati Pride.

But this can of Whirl was indeed special, because out of all the empty cans of Whirl in the world, this one was adopted by a group of theater nerds doing twice-nightly productions of the worst musical in the history of dinner theater. These actor-slash-waiters spirited the empty can of Whirl away and hid him in a hokey diorama of a mountain man cooking a pan of dust and paint (a clear ancestor of modern-day Whirl).

For weeks, the can of Whirl, along with his buddy the empty bottle of Alaskan Amber (the only beer your narrator continues to cherish the taste of to this day – you may send me a case for my birthday next month), watched the actors-slash-waiters grow slap-happy with boredom at tap-dancing their way to the top of North America’s tallest mountain as represented by three wooden boxes. It was a simple life, and certainly more pleasant than the trash-compacted-landfill option that befell most of his kind.

But then disaster struck. Early-to-mid September and the crushing snowfall that would kill the tourist season in central Alaska.

The can of Whirl watched helplessly as the cast of the show departed for parts unknown. But as he watched the final two theatre nerds (the stage manager and house manager) pack up the last of the theater, he saw his opportunity and took it. He would not end up in a landfill, he would see the world. He would discover Canada and the lower-48! So he stowed away in their fine German automobile.

At first, everything reminded him of home… tacky, folksy, “outdoorsy” art and decor made from junk was everywhere!

But soon he began to see amazing things like vast forests and populated towns not defined by their tourist kitsch value.

Places where the made food without any Whirl whatsoever added (if you can believe that!).

For days it traveled southward. There was a tense moment at the Canada-US border when a border patrol agent suspected Whirl might be hiding a bag of marijuana, but the sniffy dog decided the only thing left in the can was rancid Whirl bacteria in the crevices, so all was good.

So many states… Washington, Oregon… then in southern Oregon, the fine German automobile broke down in a little town that had never heard of a Saab (“how man ‘a’s do I gotta type in my computing thingee? It says the part you need will be here in time for Christmas!”). After 2 days of that quaint and boooooring little town, nobody noticed the signs of a stowaway can of Whirl so much. Still, it must have been hidden away somewhere when the two theatre nerds finally arrived in their destination of Reno, Nevada.

I assume Alicia threw the can away after that.

If you’re not in on the joke, the video is a parody the National Organization for Marriage’s hysterics and lie-filled new ad including the actor audition reels the HRC uncovered (and while at that second link, read the HRC’s takedown of the lies in the ad).

As seen in The Advocate. Are we all done with that “FAIL” thing, because if it isn’t sooooo 2008, I think this might qualify.

Enrico, at least no one can accuse her of lip-syncing…

Britney totally announced a wardrobe malfunction while her mic was still live. This woman really knows how to make herself the butt of jokes.

It all started with a chance meeting on the red carpet between two hot boys…

But hot boy #2 had to check in with his beard/fag hag…

But like all gay boys, he soon ditched his lady companion for the hope that this guy might be “the one…”

And soon enough, they found a hot tub. The end.

With props to Barry for inventing a new queerism I hope catches on.