Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Katy Perry will melt my popsicle	Ke$ha likes my beard	Miley Cyrus isn’t telling me to go to hell, she’s not a brat like that

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Let’s just go ahead and pretend that Miley Cyrus is 22 years old so no one has to have the (legally incorrect in most states) “but she’s not legal” comment. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

My picks from last time:
Marry: Charlie. Smart, kind and sexy.
Fuck: Josh. Behind all that cocky ego is an insecure little boy who probably tries really, really hard to impress you between the sheets. Also, I like his brand of snark.
Kill: Sam. And not just because I think it’s funny that this is the second week in a row I have someone with an embarrassing threesome sex tape leak (NSFW), but because I find him terribly boring.

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Charlie Young as played by Dulé Hill	Josh Lyman as played by Bradley Whitford	Sam Seaborn as played by Rob Lowe

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

My picks from last time:
Marry: Ryan Reynolds. I even tried to use a less-than-flattering photo of him to avoid skewing the results, but it’s official, he’s too hot.
Fuck: John Legend. I bet he has moves.
Kill: Eric Dane. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s hot, but I’ve seen the NSFW video (seriously, click on that link and you’re gonna see bits and stuff) and I’m not impressed with his bedside manner.

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Eric Dane	John Legend	Ryan Reynolds

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

My picks from last time:
Marry: Graham. He says he’s not gay. A lot. My experience tends to indicate that means he’s a super-gay super-freak in the sack.
Fuck: Session. But it would be a total hate-fuck.
Kill: Kyl. Remember, he’s the senator for Arizona who makes McCain seem moderate and centrist.

Because I’m spending the week with the Senate Judiciary Committee, this week’s contest will be the crusty old white men asking stupid questions of Elena Kagan.

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona. Just when you thought racism couldn’t get any racismer, Kyl doubles down on attacking civil rights legend and brilliant legal mind Thurgood Marshall. I expect that tomorrow he’ll suggest Kagan is unAmerican for once driving a car made by “the Orientals” or something.	Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama. He’s terrified of the gays and how they make fragile military recruiters feel like second class citizens. Once complained about people who “would rather defend the Constitution than protect our nation’s security.” … supporting and defending the Constitution … I guess everyone complains about having to do their jobs.	Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Poster boy for gayface. Now I’m not saying this unmarried Southern gentleman is a homosexual, but I am saying that when I heard him use the word “probative” I giggled.

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

Bonus Round: Based on his tie selection for the hearings, which category would you place bipartisan-curious Senator Arlen Specter in?

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

My picks from last time:
Marry: Kristin. Sure, I like a bit of lezzie vibe in any girl I marry.
Fuck: Rutina. She’s hot. For a girl.
Kill: Anna. Ruined Rogue in the X-men movies. Not that interesting on True Blood.

ETA: For those who might be influenced by such things, Sen. Lindsey Graham said this week: “I know it’s really gonna upset a lot of gay men – I’m sure hundreds of ‘em are gonna be jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge – but I ain’t available. I ain’t gay. Sorry.”

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton	Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse	Kristin Bauer as Pam

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

My picks from last week and the secret identities of the mystery bums:
Marry: Tooshie 2 – that ass belongs to Mr. Casper Van Dien – I met him at Wizardcon a few years ago, he seems like a spaz and not so bright, a perfect trophy husband.
Fuck: Tooshie 3 – sometimes known as getting on Christian Bale‘s good side. What can I say, a good anger fuck can be worth it.
Kill: Tooshie 1 – the (apparently) recognizable buttocks of Mario Lopez, I don’t actually have anything against the guy, but I did once see the Screech porno and because they worked together on that sitcom in the 80s, there’s some cross-contamination.

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Bubble Butt 1	Bubble Butt 2	Bubble Butt 3

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

And my picks from last week:
Marry: Craig Parker – I admit the photo I used isn’t great, but I think he’s the most talented actor of the bunch and a hottie.
Fuck: Craig Horner – I mean, gah!
Kill: Matthew Le Nevez – Nothing against him, he’s just uninteresting compared to the others

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Craig Horner, Richard “The Seeker” Cypher – fun fact: plays guitar and he’s Australian	Craig Parker, Darken Rahl – fun fact: despite the provocative image from Spartacus: Blood & Sand, he’s actually from New Zealand. Oh, and openly gay.	Matthew Le Nevez Leo “the Temp Seeker” – fun fact: he’s Australian (sorry, not much to go on).

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

And my picks from last week:
Marry: Jake Shears – I like his mix of crazy and sexy
Fuck: Jared Leto – I’ll videotape it and make billions in internet money off disaffected teenagers from the 90s.
Kill: Rufus Wainwright – He’s been my secret boyfriend and stalker for all these years, but nothing ever comes of it. Plus, as Tam noted, the lederhosen.

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Rufus Wainwright	Jared Leto of 30 Seconds To Mars	Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

And my picks from last week:
Marry: Josh Hopkins – he seems like a nice guy
Fuck: Mark Salling – he seems like a cocky guy
Kill: Joel McHale – I get the sex appeal, but I can only handle so much sarcasm in my life

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3
Joel McHale – Community	Josh Hopkins – Cougar Town	Mark Salling – Glee

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, and one who you would put to death*. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

Like all season finales, we have a twist! This time there are four guys to choose from (sorry to leave out the ladies – Megan and Tam – I’ll get you next season, if the network doesn’t cancel us). Since we have an extra choice, that means a fourth category. So this week, it’s Marry, F*ck, Kill or Pawn-Off-On-Your-Friend.

Choice 1	Choice 2	Choice 3	Choice 4
Josh – Josh is Trashy	Enrico – Hotel Tuesday	Craig – Puntabulous	Polt – Polt’s Palace

To review the rules… You must choose one who you would spend the rest of your life with, one you would have a freaky-monkey one-night stand with, one who you would put to death, and one who you would totally set up with your best friend because he has a nice personality*. This week, if you are one of the choices, you can drop yourself from the list, and go with the usual M/F/K options. You tell me who you choose and why.

*standard disclaimer: we are anti-death penalty, we play this game as a thought exercise, not an endorsement of murder. Also, we are sex-positive and believe that two people can have crazy one-time sex without shame or emotional baggage. Finally, for the purposes of this game, we all live in marriage equality jurisdictions.

My choices from last week two weeks ago:

Marry: Alan Holinghurst. I’m surprised more people didn’t like him. He’s very smart and talented.
F*ck: Chuck Palahniuk. I’m sure he knows a thing or two about the subject.
Kill: Augusten Burroughs. I just wasn’t all that impressed by his writing. Still, it seems a shame to waste a guy whose family makes mine look boring.