This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Well, school officially kicks off tomorrow and I still haven’t wrapped up this ridiculous summer distraction. At the end of the 3rd competition, we had Toby Dog and Elle is for Lizard tied. Then Gay Moose, in a move that shocked his many fans, dropped out of the competition to move to LA.

Given the loss of Gay Moose as a wildcard, I’ve looked back over the various comments and determined that there is an incredibly high probability that I was going to rig it so that we would end with a tie between Toby and Elle. So let’s dispense with the final challenge and popularity vote and move right to our tie-breaker.

Since I’m a Vegas transplant, we’ll settle this with pure random chance – a coin toss. Because it amuses me, Toby Dog of the incredibly large head will be “tails.” And Elle is for Lizard with her lovely stretchy tail will be “heads.”

And the winner is…

Heads!

Congratulations to Elle is for Lizard. She didn’t come here to make friends, she came here to win, and win she did. Elle will make regular appearances on the blog and may appear in various travel photos.

As first runner up, should Elle be unable to complete her duties as blog mascot, or if she mouths off to Perez Hilton or something, Toby Dog will be asked to take her place.

Thanks to everyone who cheered along!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled program with a special announcement. Moments ago, I received a series of Twitter messages from Gay Moose declaring that he is dropping out of the contest and, apparently, moving to Los Angeles to become a judge on American Idol.

GM: Sadders in my heartz, Imma not coming back to the blog contest. Imma miss lozin’ all the challengez while puttin’ out the bestest work (LOL!) and bein’ part of the most awesomerz and phenomenal blog on the intarwebnet. I lovez mah fanz, U R the sexiness!

Me (in reply): What brought this on? Where are you?

GM: I met this totes very-hairy-bear thatz lettin me live in his casa in WeHo while I begin mah new jobber as the overly gushy judge on AI. Do U know where I can get a gift of sum perskripshun happy pills? Also, I axed the mean Brit guy if there was a rule about playin wit the contestantz weenerz and he sez “Apparently not” and then mummmmbles sumting about Paula and Seacrest and “impreshunible kids.” LOLaroni!

Me (in reply): Wow. Well, good luck, I guess. Is there anything else you want to say to the people who have been voting for you?

GM: Imma be famerz B4 any of U, especially Toby Dog and Elle! For serial, tho, I haz the best fanz in el mundo. C-U-l8r-sk8rz! luvz U mah peeps!

GM also sent these photos of his first day in Los Angeles:

Well, this shocking turn of events leaves only two contestants left in the running for the official blog mascot. I guess we’ll have to see how this all shakes out… if a certain someone who has been hiding under the bed since we moved to New York ever gets the courage to venture out of the bedroom.

Welcome back to the third challenge in our Great Blind Prophecy Mascot Contest. Sorry it’s been so long in coming. Technical delays and the upcoming move to New York have made it difficult to get everything together, but the awesome guest judges made it worth the wait!

As the contest builds, competition is getting more intense. Although Elle is for Lizard took an early lead thanks to her spirited music video in the first challenge, Toby Dog evened the odds with his ability to show up for the athleticism challenge. This week we move on to Character & Symbolism. There is twice as much on the line this week as we’ll be judging character and symbolism separately. And by we, I mean my special guest judges!

In the character challenge, the contestants are participating in that classic competition standard: the pageant interview. Each of our contestants will answer the same question posed by your charming blog host, and our guest judges will vote for their favorite.

In the symbolism challenge, the contestants have been tasked with creating fashion photo shoots that symbolize a political/serious blog posting on Blind Prophecy. These photos will be critiqued by more guest judges who will declare the winner.

On with the show…

Up first is Gay Moose. Despite going all out in the first round, GM missed a chance at catching up in round two when he got… distracted. Let’s see if he’s learned his lesson and is back in the competition.

Gay Moose, as you know, it’s very important to me that–in addition to having fun and chronicling my personal adventures on Blind Prophecy–we use this little corner of the internet to make the world a better place. If you had the power to pass one law today, what would it be and why?

Gay Moose: Well, Jere, as romantic as it sounds to solve the world’s problems with a sweeping law against discrimination or cruelty, we must acknowledge that true change comes from personal interaction. You cannot legislate fairness or education or kindness. We must also guard against unintended consequences of poorly considered legislation, which is why I wouldn’t pass any law at all. Without the give-and-take of a fair Democratic process, we cannot guard against the mistakes of well-intentioned but ultimately counter-productive rules.

Wow, GM, you sound different. More polished.

Gay Moose: I totes been workin wit legendarian pageant coach, Janice Cowell Gunn. She’z been schoolin’ me en hablo fancypanterz. Shout out to Janice! Love you, gurl!

Thank you, GM, and now let’s take a look at your fashion shoot. {click to embiggen}

Up next is Elle is for Lizard.

Elle is for Lizard, as you know, it’s very important to me that–in addition to having fun and chronicling my personal adventures on Blind Prophecy–we use this little corner of the internet to make the world a better place. If you had the power to pass one law today, what would it be and why?

Elle is for Lizard: Many would assume that my one law would be to install myself as absolute commander of all military, police and governmental agencies. Such a law would give me both the time and authority to institute numerous thoughtful and progressive initiatives from equality mandates to health care. But if I got just one law, and I didn’t use it to gain unfettered absolute power, my law would be something aimed at clarifying and strengthening the metaphorical wall between government and religion.

Thank you, Elle, and now let’s see the results of your fashion shoot. {click to embiggen}

Finally, we return to last week’s champ, Toby Dog.

Toby Dog, as you know, it’s very important to me that–in addition to having fun and chronicling my personal adventures on Blind Prophecy–we use this little corner of the internet to make the world a better place. If you had the power to pass one law today, what would it be and why?

Toby Dog: I personally believe that U.S. Americans should hug each other because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have cuddles and uh, I believe that our, I, snuggles like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our hugging over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us. Hugs.

Do you want to try that again in five seconds?

Toby Dog: Free hugs for everyone!

Okay, thank you, Toby Dog, and now we’ll take a look at the fashion photos. {click to embiggen}

Okay, so let’s reveal our surprise guest judges for the character challenge. Our guest judges are: Craig and Callie! My adorable niece and nephew! Let’s see how they voted:

Callie’s comments from video I can’t get to work:

I love Toby Dog … I love Uncle Jere! Bark! Bark!

Callie votes for Toby Dog!

Craig’s comments:

I love Toby Dog ’cause he’s a chihuahua … [dancing and singing] I love Toby Dog ’cause he’s a big dog … I love him ’cause he barks a lot!

Craig votes for Toby Dog!

That means that Toby Dog wins the Character challenge.

As for Symbolism, our special guest judges are my niece Alexia and my soon-to-be-nephew tentatively known as “Ace!” Unfortunately, technical difficulties have come between us and the photos of these all-stars. Luckily, Alexia’s mommy was able to communicate Alexia’s intentions to me and the fetus-American currently dubbed Ace won’t be available for photos until later this week after his parent’s fetal photography session got rescheduled, but I have blatantly made up telepathically learned of his critiques through the miracle of baby magic!

First we’ll hear Ace’s analysis of the photo shoots:

Well, Gay Moose once again showed a great deal of technical skill and high production values. Unfortunately, as nice as these photos are, it’s all surface. Really, black and white alleyway photography? Catching the model mid-jump? Is he even trying to go beyond cliché? While GM might certainly see his work picked up by a mid-rate fashion magazine, I see no connection to the second half of the challenge – which was to symbolize a serious or political blog from my soon-to-be uncle’s website. Is he trying to say that Uncle Jere’s astute political observations are trash to be hidden from visitors?

Toby Dog’s photos are certainly a big departure for this contestant who has been labeled creepy and juvenile. I wouldn’t go so far as to say they completely eschew fashion photography cliché, they do at least try for originality. The inclusion of Miss Yvonne from Pee Wee’s Playhouse is an interesting choice that makes me want to give these photos extra points for camp value, but I’m just not sure it was intentional. The backdrop of Andy Warhol in one of the photos is another nice element, especially in light of his famous “15 minutes of fame” comment, which defines so much of modern blogging in general. In the end, though, the random phrases and modernist touches seem to be communicating that Uncle Jere’s site is just another product of populist herd mentality which – like these photos – strives for greatness but barely rises above mediocre.

In the end, the stand out winner in this category must be Elle is for Lizard. Her hauntingly lonely portraits place her amidst-but removed from-a crowd of similar bodies. Her intelligence separates her from her peers, at least in her own mind. I love the somewhat obvious use of a literal soapbox for her platform – what better metaphor for Uncle Jere on one of his political rants? For those who would claim that the staging bespeaks a sense of superiority over her fellow lizards, I suggest you take a good look at those eyes – the sadness and burden of her expression. This is not superiority, it is loneliness.

Ace votes for Elle!

And Alexia’s Analysis:

Elle is for Lizard and that’s good enough for me

Alexia votes for Elle!

Here’s an artist rendering of the judges delivering their votes:

So Elle is for Lizard takes the Symbolism category.

A programming note: the next installment of the Great Blind Prophecy Mascot Contest will probably not return until after I’ve moved to New York City, but we will almost certainly need to wrap this up before I start full time classes in mid-August. Stay tuned!

Rankings:

After the scandal of last week’s challenge, I decided to remove the seemingly arbitrary element of my role as judge in our second round. Therefore, to choose between the contestants based on athleticism, we will hold a race. Straightforward and without any way to blackmail or embarrass me.

So, we gather at the crack of dawn for the Amazing Mascot Race!

Well, Toby Dog and I gather at the crack of dawn. No sign of our other contestants, yet. So, Toby Dog, you seem to be underdog, if you’ll pardon the expression, at this point in the contest. What are your plans to catch up?

Toby Dog: Well, I’ve always been good at sports, so I think I’ve got a good chance at winning today.

Oh, hold on Toby, I’m getting a message from Gay Moose. Hopefully he’s on his way.

GM via text: Hiya! So I was totes at the store picking out a new sporters outfit when I met this Hottie McHottie jockboy. He was helping me try on short shortz and I axed him if he knew anywayz 2 warmup B4 a big race. He told me he’d give me a workout all night long! So then we ended up at this bar where they give U free drinkz if UR in UR undiewear, but I was totes going commando, so I axed the bartender what U get if UR not wearing anything and he sez STDz! Lolcatz! But then he sez not 2 worry cuz they have loanerz, and I was all groazzzzzies! Then he handz me these Spiderman undie-rooz for like 8-year-oldz and he sez nobodyz ever put them onners B4 and I never back down from a challenge! Lolcatz! But I looked fierce even tho they were berry-huggerz and all those boyz were buying me drinkz… now that I think of it, if the drinkz were freebies, why were they buying them for me? So N-E-wayz, 2 make a long story 3 inches longerz (tee-hee), I’m in Memphis and I can totes get a ride back 2 Cincy on Sunday. Can U wait for me? Love U! – GM

So, I guess he’s out of the running this week.

Elle: Alright, I’m up at this un-fucking-godly hour of the morning. When did they start making a 6 o’clock in the morning?

Oh, you brought friends and family with you!

Elle: No, these are my minions.

Minions? Why am I not surprised?

Elle: They’ll be running the race for me. I don’t do sweaty.

Oh, no you don’t! People yelled at me last time, you’re not getting away with bending the rules again this week. Either you run or you forfeit.

Hey, where are you going…

Well, there you have it, folks. It looks like Toby Dog wins this round.

Toby Dog: Cool!

We’ll be back next week with another challenge. In the meantime, keep expressing your support for your favorite contestant and trying to convert others to the cause. At the end of the fourth challenge, we’ll be calculating the all-important popularity factor in deciding who will be declared the new mascot of the blog.

Sorry for the delay in getting today’s results show posted.

Congrats to Elle is for Lizard. Gay Moose seems to be leading in the popularity category for the moment, we’ll see how things go with the next challenge this coming Friday.

We’re kicking things off with a bang. For our first challenge in the mascot contest, the contestants have been challenged to make music videos that reflect the spirit of the blog.

So, keep lobbying for your favorite, because your votes will be critical in the final “popularity” category. And you can try and convince me who I should crown as the winner of this first challenge.

Results of the first contest will be posted on Monday.

Didn’t you realize that all the best blogs have mascots? Puntabulous has Felice (or Super Viagra, depending on who you ask), Hotel Tuesday has Richard Parker, Polt’s Palace has Emmett (down in the sidebar listed as “official pet,” although I think he’s still willing to take volunteers with hairthings for the position), Queerty has YouTube blog twink Davey Wavey, etc.

But the selection of a mascot is serious business, people.

“A good mascot has to be memorable. If it’s hard to identify or isn’t recognizable as something specific, it’s not going to do the job it’s supposed to. A mascot needs to stand for something. It needs to be more than just cute – it has to have a personality. Pro sports mascots are very much symbols of competitiveness and team spirit. With the Olympics, the competitiveness is certainly less aggressive. So the mascots tend to be much more in the spirit of sportsmanship and world camaraderie.”

Don Carter, creative director at Adams & Knight Advertising in Avon

So, to choose the new Blind Prophecy mascot we will be holding a reality show style competition to determine who is best suited to represent the blog.

Our contestants will be judged on five categories:

• Spirit
• Athleticism
• Character & Symbolism
• Creativity
• Popularity

Now, this is not a democracy, it’s a cheerocracy. And I’m the cheertator. So I’ll be judging the first four categories. However, as we move through the contest, you get to vote, America (and Canada, and the one reader who consistently accesses my site from Egypt)! You can leave comments and suggestions as to who you believe should win each challenge and try to sway my ultimate decision.

But who, exactly, will be competing for the title of Blind Prophecy Mascot? Let’s meet our contestants:

Toby Dog
Toby Dog dates back to my childhood. Adopted as a Cabbage Patch Pet during the tail end of the Cabbage Patch craze, Toby is all innocence and love. He’s a good Mormon boy who may be more than a little naive, but he has a strong work ethic and never wants to let anyone down or hurt their feelings. He’s also cute and has floppy Zac Efron hair. Asked about his chances to win, Toby Dog said, “Well, that depends on who does the voting. I think I’ve got a lock on the Christian vote and that was enough for Kris Allen to win his contest, right?”

Gay Moose
Gay Moose is really gay. No, gayer than that. Like so gay he’s done the musical version of that really gay thing your really gay friends do. Don’t mistake his obsessive infatuation with pop culture for shallowness, though, as he has survived a lot of bullshit from haterz in his time and he’s stronger, smarter and more determined that you would suspect. Gay Moose hails from the North (somewhere in the Alaska-Canada border region) and may be Sarah Palin’s “gay friend” because he knows everyone. Asked if he had a strategy to the game, Gay Moose replied, “Imma be like a certain dee-VA who everyone was ready to write off, but even with all the haterz, she pushed forward and made some of the best music of her life. Thatz right, Imma go Barbra Streisand on this contest.”

Elle is for Lizard
Elle is for Lizard isn’t a nice mascot. In fact, she’s about the meanest mean girl/lizard since before Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian. But before you peg her as the villain, Elle isn’t out to hurt people’s feelings just for the fun of it (well, not usually), she just tells it like she sees it. Cynical, calculating, cunning and subtle, Elle is usually thinking three steps ahead of everyone else. She doesn’t suffer fools for long, but she’s not such a poor strategist as to reveal everything she thinks, either. Her first impression of the competition? “Yeah, Doggy Osmond doesn’t have a chance and the queer deer–are those fucking fairy wings?–will be distracted every time a shirtless twenty-something walks by. I’ve got this thing in the bag.”

Leave your first impressions in the comments below and check back next week when we have our first challenge for the contestants. We’ll continue on for 2 or 3 more weeks or until I become bored with this and announce a winner.